when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
