My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize