new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Help. Why am I so naked?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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