Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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