Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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