oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
