call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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