Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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