so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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