Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
