One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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