the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
