There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
