somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
