you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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