I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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