just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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