You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
