dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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