...so i touched it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
