i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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