so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
