I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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