I wish my penis had an off switch
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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