hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
