Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
