at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
