Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
