I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
