3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
