instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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