seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
