I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
