She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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