My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
