i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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