Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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