Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
