I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
