I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just made out with a guy for $7.
her vagine was all disorganized.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
