if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
