If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
