im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
