Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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