Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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