I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
