Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
