i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
