omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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