Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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