I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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