Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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