At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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