I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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