I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
