please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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