That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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