you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
