What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
