Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
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