Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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