Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I need a beard to bite.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
